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tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  September 11, 2013 9:00am-9:31am PDT

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captioning sponsored by comedy central from comedy central world headquarters, this is the daily show with jon stewart. fla[applause] >> jon: hey, welcome. we've got a nice one for you. bill dedman, all through the new book, there are empty matches. but thank you for being here and watching the show. i just have one quick question at the top: are
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we at war yet? [laughter] >> jon: does anyone know. the president of the united states gave an address, addressed the nation on syria just not two hours ago. [laughter] >> i didn't watch it. i was at my twerking class. [laughter] >> jon: i don't know what that is. but the president gave his speech. and it's about the war in syria. if you remember correctly, about a year ago, in the heat of the presidential campaign, a hypothetical was put about bo what it may take to get the united states involved in a syrian civil war. >> president obama: a red line for us is we start seeing a whole bunch of chemical weapons moving around or being utilized.
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>> jon: so you're not going to believe what happened. [laughter] >> jon: it looks like assad has used chemical weapons, and that -- that turns out to be the campaign promise obama has decided to keep. so... [laughter] >> jon: with that off-hand hypothetical statement, so began the administration's march to action. oddly enough, once again utilizing drones to make his case. [laughter] >> jon: obama himself appeared yesterday in back-to-back to back-to-back interviews, making his case for intervention, movie-junket-style. no. come on. yeah, cloudy with a chance of air strikes. no. we can do better -- stop
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or obama will shoot. thank you. really, you liked the cloudy with a chance of air strikes? obviously, the journalists chosen to interview the president were selected, the professionals. except one who apparently won a ready contest. >> you're being seen right now on cnn and cnn international around the world. >> ooh, you're on cnn. aahhh! you know, obama is, like, i'm on tv! hi, mom! [laughter] >> jon: but that's not the stupid part. >> around the world, including in damascus. what i would like you to do, mr. president, look into the camera, talk directly to president bashar al-assad -- >> jon: and that's the stupid part. >> -- tell him specifically what you think he must do to avert a u.s. military strike. >> jon: and why you think he deserves the
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final rose. [laughter] >> jon: man, it's an interview. stop trying to make moments. you're telling the leader of the free world how we might avoid a possible world war iii. you don't need to amp up the dramatic with theatrics. seriously, look into the camera and have fun with it. try it with his lincoln beard on. go ahead. [laughter] >> jon: obama, mr. president, please politely dismiss this request while making it clear how incredibly (bleep) you think it is. >> president obama: i don't need to talk in the camera. i suspect he has people who will be watching this. >> jon: i cannot believe
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assad uses cnn on his own people. [laughter] >> jon: he is a monster! [applause] [cheering] >> jon: but you know, we got into this pickle from an ill-thought out happen hypothetical statement, but what kind of mago magoo-esqumagoo-esque genius cod bumble there way into diplomatic success -- hello, it's john kerry to the rescue. secretary kerry. [applause] >> jon: in the middle. in the middle of presenting kerry's slam-dunk case as to why we absolutely must attack
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syria, he inadvertently may have found an internationally accepted peaceful resolution. >> is there anything at this points that his government could do or offer that would stop an attack? >> sure. he could turn over every single bit of his chemical weapons to the international community in the next week. turn it over, all of it. without delay. and allow a full and total accounting for that. but he isn't about to do it, it can't be done, obviously. >> jon: can't be done! can't! it's never going to happen! no way. can't be done! and just to drive the point home as to how ridiculous this possibility was, the state department quickly called that a rhetorical argument, and not a real proposal from kerry. they had to make a separate announcement to say, hey, by the way, he was just being
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condescending and sarcastic. guess which middle eastern desperate doesn't appear to understand rhetorical answers. >> the foreign minister says the country, quote,"welcomes putting their chemical weapons under international control." >> jon: magoo, you've done it again. >> excuse me, young man. >> jon: oh, (bleep). syria is taking him up on his dickish offer. syria, through the offices of vladimir putin's russia, would like to take the international community's and secretary kerry's offer to take their weapons for them. no cost, no blowback. how could any patriot view this but anything but a fantastic development. >> president obama has just led us into a
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humiliating defeat. >> jon: who do we lose to? sanity. you beat us this time, rational forethought, but we'll get you. who cares how we avoided a war and got a dictator to give up his chemical weapons, if we avoided a war and got a dictator to give up his chemical weapons. >> this strengthens russia and humiliates the united states. >> i think lindsay graham is on the case saying that the russians have played us like a fiddle. >> we're on the top of the world and we're not. it is despicable. >> now, have we handed the power back over to the shirtless, putin. >> jon: two things, one, was that guy in a cow suit? [laughter] >> jon: i don't really understand financial news. and number two, oh, putin gets the credit. if we caught charlie man son, who gives a (bleep) who gets the credit.
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to advance its ultimate objective of creating deliberately misinformed, and anger and discontent is the motto on which it contains his existence. [laughter] [cheering] [applause] >> jon: i blacked out for a second. was i saying something? but for some reason, even cnn's chris cuomo seemed disappointed with the turn of events. >> a russian proposal to have syria hand over its chemical weapons could change the entire debate, but should it? >> jon: should it? the political reality just shifted 100%. but on the other hand, we built this graphic. ♪
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[laughter] >> jon: look, isn't that the problem now? news networks aren't invested in right or wrong. they're invested in momentum. you can take us to war on false intelligence and pretense, but god forbid you rev us up for war and you don't deliver. you can make disasterous foreign policy decisions, but you will not give this country a case of blue bombs. we'll be right back.
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>> jon: welcome back. [applause] >> jon: there is an awful lot of chaos and uncertainty in the world right now. it would be nice to have a fun story, a nice story. >> drug smugglers have set fire to a ship carrying 50 million pounds worth of hashish. they tried to burn their congo off the golden starship after being spotted by the italian custom officials. over 30 tons of hash burned across the mediterranean sea, creating a fog of thick smoke. [laughter] >> jon: thank you, jesus. hash cloud over italy. italy ordered five million
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pizzas for themselves last night. i can't believe i noticed how delicious this is. i have to say i'm surprised that the two dudes on the hash boat didn't have a better thought out exit strategy. can't wait to hear step two. >> as customs officials moved in on friday, the boat's crew members set fire to their cargo and began jumping into the sea. >> jon: so here's what we're going to do, we're going to give thousands of sharks a serious case of the munchies. and we're going to dive head first into their living room, like a complimentary delivery of crazy bread. for more, we go to senior smoldering drug boat al. pie thby the way, al, i noticed you're not wearing a mask. >> that's hilarious, jon.
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why would i be wearing a mask, it is not halloween yet. >> jon: i don't want to say anything, but are you talking into a biscotti? >> oh, yeah, i wondered why this mic was so delicious. >> jon: i understand the crew was syrians and magicians -- >> jon. jon. >> jon: al, yes. >> i forgot. okay, okay. all right. what if a giant picked up the hash boat and smoked it, how (bleep) crazy would that be. you should have the graphics department delete that out. >> jon: we don't have a graphics department. what is going on with the smugglers now? are they going to have to go to jail? have they been taken into
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custody at all? >> jon, aren't we all in jail? it's like we're all just trapped on an orb, just spinning in space. >> jon: actually, that is literally what we're doing. you know, let's just wrap this up, al. >> hey, jon, jon -- >> jon: yeah? >> two things. first, how do they make velvet? and, second, can we talk about had how great this is? i'm on a gig in italy, in close proximity to a flaming hash boat? i mean, time to start coming up with a new dream. >> jon: this is your life-long dream? >> yeah. jon, i had a very specific bucket list with three things on it: italy, weed, and boat. three birds, one stoner. >> jon: thank you very much, al.
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plawmpl [applause] >> jon: we're back with my guest tonight, a pulitzer winning prize, bill dedman. [applause] >> jon: this is one of those incredible stories that is right underneath sort of literally the nose of new yorkers, but nobody has any idea about this. how did you find hugett clark and this story. >> i was shopping for a house for my family, and i got a little out of our price range. her house in connecticut was for sale for $24 million, marked down from $35 million. i was looking up who owned which houses at the top of the charts. and i didn't know her name. so i was looking up the
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address on the town website. and i was reading the zoning records -- i know you do that all of the time. >> jon: oh, all the time. i read them to my children before bed. >> that would work. and her attorney had told the town, this house has not been lived in since this owner bought it in 1951. so i go over to see the caretaker, and he asked me, do you think maybe she has been dead all these years? so it turned out she had a nicer house in california, about $85 million to $100 million in santa barbara. and she hadn't been there since 1951. so she had three apartments on fifth avenue. so i talked to boris, the door man, boris the door man, and he said, no, it's been 22 years and i haven't seen her. so we had to find her. >> jon: and where was she? >> she lived in a hospital in new york. here she was the daughter of a u.s. senator who was born -- he was 22 when the
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civil war began, and his daughter was alive during the obama administration, living in a hospital for 7,400 nights. she lived for more than 20 years in beth israel hospital in new york city. perfectly healthy. she had some facial cancer. she had gone in and she felt better, and they charged her about $400,000 a year to live there. >> jon: so a normal rent? >> exactly. so she stayed. >> jon: what is incredible to me is this woman is sort of -- was a living embodiment of this era of american dominance. do you know a man called horse -- >> dustman hoffman? >> jon: yes. it was an incredible story. she was going to take to go to europe on the return trip of the titanic. >> my co-author is her cousin, and he had spoken to her on the phone. he looked her up in the
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phone directory. this had not occurred to me. but he spoke to her off and on the phone for nine years. and she described how no, we couldn't go on the titanic. our father showed where we would be sleeping, but it sank. so we weren't able to go on the return trip. >> jon: little disappointments in life. you know how it is. apparently she was incredibly lucid and sweet as pie. >> she was. cute as pie and sweet. she was very generous. she surprised someone who never met her with a $35,000 gift. she paid $200,000 a year for the nursing care of the daughter of her nanny from when she was a child. she was very into dolls. she collected dolls and built doll houses and designed little japanese castles. she was an artist. she painted. the man and woman who fixed her doll houses and did the curtains for them were pestered death by
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her. she would call every evening and say the ceilings were too low in the doll houses and she told them the little people are banging their heads. >> jon: sure. >> but i mentioned she was lucid. she was very generous to them. she would give them $30,000, $50,000, a little gift she would say. all of the grandchildren of the couple who made her doll houses went to college on her generosity. >> jon: i always thought that doll house construction was run by the mobment mob. i didn't realize it was a big business. one of the dark turns in the book is the way that the hospitals that she stayed at tried o overtly and explicitly and with a paper trail to get money from her. >> she described her in their e-mails as the biggest bucks contributing potential we ever had. the hospital president -- this has probably been your experience when you've been in the
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hospital -- the hospital president visited her frequently, and his mother came to visit to watch cartoons with her on tv. she likes the jetsons and flintstones, which i understand, but the smurfs, i can't quite connect to. >> jon: nobody can. >> but they could sit there and try to make a bond with her. ultimately, they were going to tear down the building, and the president of the hospital came to her and said if you will only give us $125 million, we won't have to sell this building. she could have afforded it. she had stock. she could have paid that. and she told them, that's a lot of money. and she asked for a copy of their financial statement. they didn't get their $125 million. in the will -- they got a painting, a mane painting. but in the will, they must have been dreadfully disappointed. they got only one of her
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300 million. >> jon: and the e-mail from the guy who says she gave us money, but it was relatively modest. like a million. disappointed. >> disappointed. >> jon: it is one of those incredible stories you didn't know existed. it filled the void. nicely filled. "empty mansions," it is on the bookshelves now. it's only a million dollars. billman.edman.
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>> jon: that's our show. joining you us tomorrow at 11. here it is, your moment of zen. >> i don't need your psychiatric questions. do an interview here. >> i would like you to stay, if you will, and we'll continue this on line -- >>

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